Learning to Lead from Within

Reclaiming authority, gently

My deepest fear (rejection) has often kept me being my full self. Which has impacted the way I lead myself, as well as others. It’s this sense of self-leadership that’s a big theme of my “midlife chapter”: feeling forward with intention.

I believe that life doesn’t move in a straight line; it weaves, winds, and sometimes doubles back on itself. And if I'm honest, I never really had a clear map. I’ve taken many different turns, often not because I had a strong destination in mind, but because I didn’t truly know what I wanted.

Deep into midlife I’ve come to realise that “not knowing what I wanted” has been tied to a sense of shame and a deep rooted fear of rejection. I’ve always longed to be accepted for who I really am but at the same time not wanting to stand out too much.

Only recently have I started to make sense of that. Looking back at the choices I’ve made throughout life, I’m seeing the threads that connect them, and more importantly, I’m sensing a shift in how I move can forward.

Thinking vs. feeling (and why I’ve been over-reliant on the first)

For most of my life, I’ve relied on my mind to navigate the world. I’ve bulldozed through fear with logic and determination. It’s served me. Until it didn’t. Because in that relentless forward momentum, I often missed out on moments of real joy, creativity, and ease.

More recently, I’ve been tuning in to a different kind of intelligence—the kind that comes from within the body. Feeling, not just thinking. Not just labelling emotions, but actually allowing myself to feel them, physically, without needing to explain or fix them. That’s new for me. And it's a bit scary. But it’s also where the aliveness is.

What’s blocking the flow?

I've started to explore practices like interoception and somatic work, and they’ve opened up a whole new way of understanding myself. I’ve noticed how deeply some fears live in my body—particularly when it comes to expressing my dreams. I can imagine, I can fantasise. But to dream—to create from that grounded place of knowing, of saying “this is mine to do”—that’s where I hit resistance.

It’s not just self-doubt. It’s a legacy of shame and fear. A fear of being too much, or not enough. A fear of rejection wrapped in a lifetime of wanting to belong. It’s the kind of fear that whispers, “Don’t rock the boat. Don’t upset anyone.” And it shows up physically when I try to step into my full creative authority.

The longing to belong (and the cost of it)

I can trace these patterns all the way back to childhood; moving from the Philippines to the UK; navigating racism; straddling cultures. My father is Italian and summers in Sardinia were beautiful, but also confusing. I was told I belonged, but I never fully felt it. The disconnect between what I felt and what I was told made me doubt myself. My intuition went quiet over time. My need to be accepted became louder than my own inner compass.

And then there’s the paradox that runs through so many of us: I long to be seen. Truly seen. But the moment I am seen, I fear it. I want connection, but I’m scared of exposure. I’ve often expected those closest to me to just know what I need—without me having to say it. That’s not fair to them, or kind to me. It’s something I’m still learning.

How do I stop being scared?

To me, it’s not about erasing fear. It’s about noticing it, naming it, and still choosing to move. I’m learning that my authority doesn’t come from being liked. It comes from within—from trusting myself, even when what I feel isn’t what others expect.

This journey isn’t intellectual. It’s embodied. It’s messy. It means tuning in to what feels expansive, what feels constricting. It means listening to the younger parts of me that are still scared to speak up, and letting them know I’ve got them now.

And above all, it means practising. Not perfecting. Creating, experimenting, making space for joy and aliveness—not because I’ve conquered fear, but because I’ve stopped letting it lead.

Reclaiming authority, gently

I used to think reclaiming my authority meant standing my ground with defiance. Now I see it’s more subtle than that. It’s about presence. It's about discernment—knowing when an old fear is being triggered and choosing to respond rather than react. It’s about expressing myself, not to control or convince, but simply to connect.

And yes, it's about dreaming again. Not fantasy dreaming. But the kind of dreaming that starts from the gut, that feels rooted and real. The kind that says: “This is who I am. This is what I want to create. This is what I choose, even if I’m scared.”

That’s what it means to me to lead from within.