You don’t have to venture solo

Getting lost is fun when you do it with friends

When you hit midlife you realise there are things you did that weren’t really yours to do.

That realisation can arrive like a punch in the gut or a throbbing ache in your back.

Sudden like a lifequake or building up like a storm.

Either way, you’ve done what you’ve done and achieved what you achieved not because you wanted to, but because you thought it was the right thing to do.

Approval from others (family, friends, society, social media) will have amplified a message that’s been inside you for too long: “It’s not okay to try something out if you don’t know where it will lead.”

I’ve had that feeling for a big part of my life and it’s made me feel like I’ve lived life with the accelerator and brake on at the same time.

I’d accelerate towards things that I thought I wanted and needed to try.

But all the time with the handbrake of expectation firmly on.

It’s like wheel-spinning through life. All light and energy but no real momentum or direction.

Don’t get me wrong. Like you, I’ve done and achieved many things.

But, like you, they were never my thing. They looked like success. But they never quite felt like success.

And the reason…?

I was scared to take big risks.

I wasn’t sure I could bear the discomfort or survive the failure. The emotional cost seemed too great. The potential to feel shame, sadness, and abandonment was too much to risk. And while these things may never have happened, they felt like a real risk to me.

I’d try new directions and take up new opportunities, but all the while worrying what other people would think and whether they were “the right” things to do. Not helpful. And not happy.

My fear clouded my vision. And so I never really knew what I truly wanted. And to work that out…? Well that was a risk. What if I could never find out? I had an internal script that really didn’t help: “going off exploring without knowing where you’re going is bad”.

It was a script written in childhood and, like the bible, had a number of unknown authors.

What I’ve learned in the second half of my life is that exploring isn’t bad, it’s essential. I always thought I needed a map, but what I found were guides. And these guides have helped me realise that there is nowhere to get to or really even anything to find. Exploring is all about just that… exploring.

It’s living a non-linear life. It’s about not feeling like life has to always go somewhere. It isn’t a race and there’s no winner.

Life is wandering around a forest discovering clearings, magical trees, and sometimes getting lost. Really lost.

I used to be scared to get lost and so I wouldn’t explore the forest too deeply.

I’d only venture in with others. And I thought that was a weakness. But I’ve realised it’s wisdom. I look for others because I know I can’t do this journey alone. I know that, if I do, I’ll end up forgetting why I went in the forest in the first place. And that’s when I truly get lost.

But we’re not in the forest to find anything or get anywhere. Getting lost is a feature not a flaw. And getting lost is fun when you do it with friends.

And that’s what I’m learning to do.

To all my fellow forest foragers, cluelessly fumbling through the undergrowth, thank you for accompanying me on my way.

And if you’re feeling lost, and wondering why you started this journey in the first place, remember that when you’re with others they’ll help you remember.

You don’t have to venture solo.